


I can't keep my feelings in disguise

by Valariia



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Isak is closeted and insecure, M/M, Slow Burn, kind of
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-26
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-12-20 00:57:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11909889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Valariia/pseuds/Valariia
Summary: Isak and Even meet a couple years earlier and things go down a little differently.





	I can't keep my feelings in disguise

**Author's Note:**

> Even, Sonja, and the balloon squad all are going into their third year at Nissen in this because I needed everybody all together for this to work. Even knows he has depression but hasn't had a manic episode so the bipolar diagnosis has not happened yet.
> 
> Title is from Glass in the Park by Alex Turner.

Isak has mandatory alphabetical-order seating charts to thank for introducing him to his best friend. Both Isak and Jonas have last names beginning with 'Va', meaning they were always put together. When they met, Isak a shy and anxious twelve year old, and Jonas some smiling, bushy haired kid that was just eager to be moving up in the world, who wanted to learn things and become _more_ and go to the kind of wild parties that his big brothers and sister always went on about.

They were very different, both in personality and in upbringing, but still bonded quickly over their mutual love for FIFA, Pokemon and soccer. Isak was willing to hear all about Jonas' adventures in learning to skateboard, Jonas listened intently to Isak ranting about space, because _how fucking cool, right?_  Best friends for life.

Isak felt safe around Jonas in a way he had never felt around anybody else, especially not at home. Jonas had a big house, had both a PlayStation _and_  an XBox 360, had two parents who loved him and who were always willing to let Isak come eat dinner or stay over for days in a row. Jonas became Isak's home when his own wasn't somewhere he could handle being anymore, and Isak didn't know what he would do without that calming, stable presence in his life.

Jonas was Isak's lifeline and it was well established at school that they were a duo, a package set, and Isak was grateful for it, because he didn't think he could make it through alone.

\---

The summer before high school started, Jonas was 15 and Isak was turning 16. Jonas had started talking about girls a lot about a year before. Isak feigned interest, played his part, but didn't really get the big appeal. Girls were just so soft- soft faces, soft bodies, soft hair. He found them objectively pretty in the same way he found lilies or sunflowers to be pretty. Isak just wasn't into gardening, though.

That summer is the one in which Jonas met and started going out with Ingrid. His first girlfriend. A pretty girl, sure, but Isak couldn't make himself like her. She was rude and quick to judge people and she just wasn't enough for Jonas, because a boy like Jonas deserves more, deserves everything.

They would all go to parties held by high schoolers almost every single week, usually able to get in easily because everybody seemed to know who Ingrid was, what with her brother dealing to half the school. She and Jonas would inevitably sneak off after a short amount of time, always leaving Isak to either be alone or to awkwardly hang around Ingrid's friends- Sara and Eva. Sometimes a couple other girls would tag along, but those two were the constants.

The only one of Ingrid's squad Isak really likes is Eva. She's new, having only moved to Oslo a year ago. She has long, auburn hair and is absolutely beautiful. Even Isak can see that she's easily one of the most gorgeous girls in their year. Eva is funny and sweet and nice to Isak. They get along well, but he wouldn't go so far as to call her his friend, really. Sara is nice to Isak, too, it's just that she's nice in a way that makes him kind of uncomfortable. She laughs at anything he says, even if it's not funny in the slightest, and looks at him in a weird way, as if she's hungry. She's constantly touching him, hanging off of him.

Isak's a smart boy, he knows why she acts like this. He knows he should revel in that kind of attention, especially from a girl like Sara. It's just that Isak doesn't want to. He also absolutely does not want to think about the reasons why he has no interest in kissing Sara. He just can't make himself feel the same way about hooking up with girls that everybody else seems to. In the back of his mind, Isak is aware of why this is. It's just easier to push those thoughts and feelings down than to confront them and what they might actually mean.

\---

Isak didn't want to come to this particular party at all. He wanted to stay in, play some FIFA, not have to hang around the girls and humor Sara all night. But Jonas begged him- "Come on, Issy, it's no fun without you."- and Isak just can't say no to Jonas. He never has been able to.

Not that it matters, because once again Jonas leaves him in favor of making out with Ingrid.

To make matters worse, Eva isn't even at this party. She's in Rome with her mother, doesn't get back until next week. This means that Isak is stuck with Sara. Fuck Jonas for leaving him like this. It's not even as if Isak can say anything about it, because Jonas probably thinks he's helping Isak out if anything. Giving him an in with a pretty girl. What 15 year old boy wouldn't want that?  _He should want this._

Isak knows it's stupid, but he just misses his best friend. He wishes Jonas and Ingrid would just break up already, let Isak have Jonas completely to himself again. He doesn't want to share.

He also knows that if he says anything about these feelings, Jonas would either get annoyed or question why Isak doesn't just start dating somebody too. Somebody like Sara or one of the older girls who walk up to him at parties and try to talk to him. Who Isak should want to talk to. Isak wants to draw as little attention to him in relation to girls as possible, though, so he says nothing.

Isak does wish he had branched out and made more close friends before high school. Maybe then he'd have other people to hang out with. An excuse to talk to somebody that isn't a girl who wants to hook up. As it is, he just plans to get as drunk as possible in order to make it through the night.

Isak is lost in thought, making his way towards the kitchen to get more beer when he runs straight into a boy who is walking out of a hallway adjacent to the living room.

Looking up, a bit scared, feeling small and preparing to apologize profusely to whoever he just collided with, his eyes meet those of a very tall boy who is looking down at him, an amused smile on his face.

Isak is very aware that he, Jonas, and the girls are the youngest people at this party. That he doesn't fit in. Jonas and Ingrid don't seem to either notice or care much, walking around and acting as if they are meant to be there. But Isak, as with most things, feels completely out of place, and is acutely aware of how everyone else probably sees him. Like they know he doesn't belong.

He thinks this guy must know that too, but the boy obviously a little bit high, and that seems to always take the edge off of people. Isak wouldn't know though, he's never smoked weed.

The boy is still looking down at him. He looks kind of like Elvis if Elvis were blonde and taller and Norwegian. Isak knows he should say something, he just can't think of what. His brain isn't working properly, he's gaping dumbly up at the boy, not saying a word. Isak is such an idiot, what is he doing?

He's about to just scurry away, embarrassed and awkward, when the guy apparently decides to take pity on him or something. "Hey, uh, do you go to Nissen? I haven't seen you around before."

_Shit. Does he lie? No, that wouldn't make sense._  "Uh, no. I don't," Isak says. Then, rushing to explain himself, "I mean, yeah, just. Not yet? I'll be a first year next year, so that's why you wouldn't have seen me? I mean, not that you'd notice me anyways. But, uh. Yeah."

Isak really has a way with words. To be fair, though, his brain is muddled and not fully functional due to the amount of shitty alcohol currently coursing through his body.

The boy smirks at him a little bit. Isak thinks he has kind eyes. The whole concept of anyone being able to possess anything like 'kind eyes' is something Isak would have scoffed at and written off as pretentious, artsy bullshit until about two minutes ago, but there's no other way to describe the way this boy is looking at him.

"I definitely know that there's no way I would have not noticed you," Blonde Elvis tells him, a weird tilt to his voice. Isak doesn't really know what this is supposed to mean, but he doesn't have much time to think about it before he's being met with another question. "How'd you get into a high school party alone like this if you haven't even started school, though?"

"I'm not alone. Well, I am now, but my friend's girlfriend got us in. She knows a ton of people. But they kind of ditched me, and I didn't want to hang out with Sara, so I'm just drinking instead..." He trails off, mentally berating himself for over sharing.

"Is Sara your girlfriend?" The boy raises his eyebrows, curious, as if anybody could be genuinely interested in Isak's life.

_Ha._  "Fuck no," Isak replies, scoffing. Not his girlfriend. Not if he can help it.

"So you're not doing anything else. Come outside and smoke with me," the boy tells Isak, pulling a joint out from behind his ear. It's more an order than a question. Isak is stubborn and grumpy and would usually not take well to being told what to do, even as casually as that. But he's feeling hazy, happy. He really doesn't know why, but he trusts this boy already.

The boy is called Even. He's going into his third year at Nissen. He wants to make movies and he loves some director called Baz Luhrmann. He loves music by some guy called Nas- "He's a genius lyricist, Isak. A fucking _genius_ '. Isak thinks that he must smoke a lot of weed, too, because unlike Isak, he's able to take huge hits and not just start coughing uncontrollably afterwards.

Isak feels so good. Like his insides are warm and electric and bubbling over. It's not just the drugs or the beer. Being around Even makes him feel good. Like they're connected. They click. It's if he's been wrapped up in a thick, fuzzy blanket. Nothing can reach him. Isak is invincible. They're sitting on the back porch in the coolness of the windy night, but Isak just feels warm, like heat is emanating from deep within his soul.

Suddenly the door opens and shuts in a flurry, loud music blaring out into the quiet night momentarily before being shut out again, now with a girl standing on the porch.

She's pretty, Isak supposes. Tall and thin. She has long, wavy blonde hair, wearing a tight dress that shows off her curves. 

"Even!" She exclaims. "I've been looking for you, you just disappeared. I miss you, you know. Anders won't stop trying to come talk to me, it's awful. What are you even doing sitting out here?"

She doesn't seem to really notice Isak's presence. If she does, she doesn't acknowledge it. Why would she?

"Nothing," Even tells her, his voice calm and reassuring.

_Nothing._  Yeah, of course. It's nothing. That's what he feels.

"Isak, this is Sonja," Even says, turning back to look at him. "My girlfriend."

Isak's heart does a funny thing at hearing that word. He can't really explain the feeling. It's as if the warm fuzzy feeling he'd been cocooned in has been suddenly ripped away. Of course Even has a girlfriend. Why wouldn't he? Isak doesn't know why he hates the idea of Even dating somebody, so he does what he always does. Pushes away his feelings, ignores them. Why would Isak care who some random guy dates? He doesn't. 

Even stands to go back inside, waving goodbye to Isak, telling him he'll see him at Nissen. Isak doesn't know how or if he responds to that. He feels as if he's off in space, not really present in his own body or mind, watching his life from afar and unable to feel anything except for  _cold, cold, cold._


End file.
